Because a first sexual experience can strongly influence a girl's feelings about herself, her partner, and future relationships, it behooves her to determine whether or not she is ready. Some issues she should consider are:
* Is she feeling pressured by her partner?
* Does she think that having sex is a way to get or to keep a boyfriend?
* Is she hoping that becoming sexually active will make her more popular?
* Is she feeling left out among more sexually experienced friends?
* Does she want to 'get it over with' to figure out what the hype is about?
* Is she in a trusting, mutually respectful relationship?
* Does she experience emotional intimacy with her partner?
* Can they discuss openly sexual issues, including protection from pregnancy and sexually transmitted disorders?
* How will she feel if she has sex and the relationship ends?

What are the tools a parent can give their teen to help them make the right choices regarding sex?

The most important tool parents can give their children is themselves: developing close, trusting relationships that encourage honest discussion. Despite myths to the contrary, parents are their teens' number one influence, more powerful than their peers. Yet studies show that many teens are unsure how their parents feel about sex. That is why parents must first be clear in their own minds about their attitudes and values, and then convey these principles to their teens. Parents can educate their daughters about the powerful effects of hormones on sexual desire. Girls should know that sexual urges are normal and okay, but should only be acted upon when it is appropriate. Parents must be able to spell out their expectations: for example, at what age and under what conditions they would like their daughters to enter sexual relationships. All parental interactions with teens should empower girls to value themselves, protect their bodies, and make conscious, healthy choices. Girls should be taught that a sexual partner should know and respect them before being granted the privilege of knowing their bodies. Sex should be a two-way street; a girl should expect her partner to care about her pleasure, too, rather than simply expecting to receive pleasure from her. Parents should discuss facts about STDs and pregnancy, dispelling any myths girls might have. Since the majority of girls have sex for the first time in their own or their partners' homes, parents should be aware that supervision is crucial. Providing guidelines such as dating boys no more than two years older than herself also reduces the possibility of a girl feeling pressured to have sex prematurely. Above all, no matter what their decisions about sexual relationships girls should feel they can come to their parents for help in keeping themselves safe.

Are there resources available to teenagers struggling with this decision?

For more information, teens and their parents might try:
Stay Teen at:
www.stayteen.org
Teen Pregnancy at:
www.teenpregnancy.org or
or the new book, The Talk, by Sharon Maxwell, Ph.D., to be published in April 2008 by Avery/Penguin, New York.

Additional resources:

MedicineNet.com
Sex Education programs delay Teen Sex
http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=85986

WebMD.com
How to Talk to Your Kids About Sex
http://www.webmd.com/parenting/news/20080116/how-to-talk-to-your-kids-about-sex

WebMD.com
Teen Pregnancy Prevention Program
http://www.webmd.com/video/teen-pregnancy-prevention

At the same time, teens benefit when their parents remain interested and supportive of their education. As a start, parents can ask about what teens are learning in school and what particularly intrigues them-rather than simply focusing on grades and test scores. Parents can also provide structure for good study habits, such as by setting guidelines for television, computer, and telephone use during the school week. Teens appreciate when parents do their part by making available resources such as quiet study spaces well-stocked with necessary school supplies. Parents can also attend school events, meet their teachers, and support the school community. If teens begin to struggle in school, parents can help them figure out where they are going wrong as well as how to find solutions. When conflicts arise between students and their teachers, wise parents encourage their high school age students to advocate for themselves by resolving problems directly and appropriately. In general, teens whose parents allow them to make-and to learn from-normal missteps and stumbles are that much more prepared to deal with challenges once they leave school.

How can parents empower their children to take responsibility for their grades?

Teens who are most motivated to perform well in school have internalized their parents' high expectations, believe in their abilities to succeed, and are given the opportunity to focus on their work. They achieve for internal reasons: because they are interested in school, doing well is necessary to reach their goals, or getting good grades is gratifying to them and makes them feel good. It is difficult for parents to instill or maintain strong motivation with external incentives such as privileges or rewards (e.g., money). That is why parents who wish to empower their children should focus on how doing well in school makes them proud of themselves and gives them more opportunities-rather than on how a good report card pleases parents or makes them proud of their children. While parents can ask if teens want help, they should only offer (not insist) and then give only as much help as their children actually need. When a students' report card is less than stellar, parents should react by becoming curious rather than angry or punitive. The focus should be on what poor grades are telling the student she needs to do differently. What is she learning from her experience? Do poor grades signal a possible learning difficulty? Asking teen girls-rather than telling them-about what they can do to improve further instills a sense of personal responsibility in their education. Plus, they are likely to be more invested in solutions they suggest. When parents serve as sounding boards and support teens in making good choices for themselves, girls are less likely to rebel by sabotaging their own school performance.

What are some tips on relieving stress from the pressures of a competitive school environment?

Teens perform best academically when they are well-matched with their schools-that is, when they believe they are as capable as their classmates of succeeding. Parents must insure that girls are placed appropriately. Studies show, for example, that students who feel like small fish in big ponds (competitive schools) are less motivated and get poorer grades. So attending a prestigious school is not always a good choice for a girl who struggles there. She may well do better in a less academically demanding school in which she believes she can excel. Parents can also use these stress-reducing and resiliency-building strategies:
* Help teens create sensible schedules that give them much-needed down time.
* Girls should have at least one free period during the school day and a day or two per week without extracurricular commitments.
* Teach teens to strive for a balance of work, play, and rest.
* Encourage girls to get enough sleep.
* Make sure they are eating regular, healthy meals and snacks, including breakfast.
* Help girls assess their true strengths and weaknesses. Give them the message that no one can be great at everything. * Don't compare teens to their siblings, classmates, or parents; evaluate each girls' performance on its own merit. * Teens should take classes that are appropriate to their level of ability.
* Focus on who she is (her attributes and positive personality traits), not what she does (school and extracurricular performance).
* Encourage her to make mistakes.
* Rather than filling family time with sports, tutors, and other extracurricular activities, make the dinner hour sacred-and stress-free.
* Refrain from using scare tactics to encourage achievement.
* The majority of girls in high school are already worried about the college application process; they don't need their parents to remind them.
* Parents should avoid giving advice based on their own experiences as teens; times and circumstances are likely to have changed.
* The temptation to micromanage should be resisted, as parental over involvement exacerbates stress and actually reduces performance.
* In light of the developing adolescent brain, teens often need the gift of time. With maturation, they usually master what is now too challenging.
* Instead of trying to live vicariously through their children, parents need to help girls find their own passions and allow them to star in their own lives.

For more information:
Stressed-out Girls: Helping Them Thrive in the Age of Pressure, by Penguin, 2006.

Additional Resources

StressManagementTips.com
Learn how to help yourself or your teenager handle the stresses of school.
http://www.stressmanagementtips.com/school.htm

University of Minnesota
See how adolescent stress and depression often go hand in hand, and what steps can be taken to avoid this path.
http://www.extension.umn.edu/distribution/youthdevelopment/DA3083.html